Had a dream last night where my right hand got severed. No blood, no pain, just the panic of trying to put it back on, and it just felt like wax. I had little tan scorpions crawling on my arms, chest and shoulders. I was in a trash filled alley, grimy brick walls, and a dead end fence. Guess I don't really have to struggle for meaning.

Nothing is going to make this OK. I have to go through this, and nasty is the only way I know. I'm just starting to sink and it feels like i've got a brick where my heart and stomach used to be. I hope there is a way through this. Janah loved me for real, I love her, she didn't leave because of me, but she couldn't stay either. I know in my heart that what she wants in a partner is impossible. The slightest conflict tears her to pieces. She's far too analytical and self absorbed, and certainly not open enough. She was determined to go back to brooklyn before we met, and she threw me away the second things got settled. I'm just tired of being everyone's mistake. Tired of being sad and feeling abandoned. I really don't know what to do with myself. I can't just sit here, I have to keep busy. I can't sit here all day and rot, and I can't just sit there in public and cry and feel destroyed. step 1-go get some grass. step 2. go get a new sketchbook. step 3. get used to the fact that I'm going to be sitting alone for a really long time. step 4. Recognize that I get flirted with, even with a bloody toe, on one of the worst days of my life, more than once. I'll have better days. My heart is right where it always was, and this is not going to break me.